I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
I think your mom looks like a breed of donkey and elephant, but her boobs are perfect
So... i mean if they do have cameras in his apartment buildings pool room atleast we gave them a little show.
I decided to buy a keg of Miller Lite instead of paying the electric bill. Just thought I'd give you a heads up...
No worries you cant actually turn into a wine snob if you brew it in your closet....
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
I just entered us to win a trip to Vegas for spring break. GET YOUR VAGINA READY FOR THE ULTIMATE DICK HUNT!
Let's just say he sent me a picture of his dick and I was more impressed with the collection of video games he had in the background...
We're listening to space jam. This can only be a good omen.
I put my hydrocodone prescription in my cereal box its like real lucky charms
Is there a greeting card for "I can't keep being The Other Woman"?
I might attempt to pee into a cup while driving. I'll let you know how it goes.
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
Other than trying to finger me on the couch in the middle of the bar a few times, you were fine.
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
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