I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
On blowjobs: "If you decide to go there, you finish the job. No complaining." I don't care if it sounds like she's talking about Iraq, I'm in love.
dude i just heard a girl tell another girl 'what part of im trying to get laid tonight dont u understand?'
needless to say i wont be back home tonight
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
My roommate got wasted last night and went to the 24 hour Bally's Total Fitness at 3 A.M. He got back took his shirt off, made a protein shake, puked, asked me if he was almost as jacked as Ronnie Coleman then called ME gay before I could say anything and went to bed
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
just peed on my foot to get a spider off. that lazy.
he went to have surgery in the morning and apparently they found lip gloss on his dick
I'll be honest. I knew what I was getting into. I'm not proud, but I'll be damned if I'm ashamed. 6 month draught is over. That's justice.
If I don't survive tonitght I would like to thank you for the ricekrispy treats. I am majestic
Guess who just got caught by mall security having sex in a car in the parking lot... at noon. This chick.
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
CUTE BOY IN THE OFFICE WALKED BY AS I WAS STARING IN HORROR AT HARRY POTTER THEMED SKELETON PORN
Where does dick fit into Maslow's hierarchy of needs?
Hope you’re getting action boo.
Definitely no. I woke up next to a bag of McDonald's.
Randomize
