Well apparently he's into motor boating.
I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
Man THE POSTAL SERVICE is awesome when I'm high..... But they suck when I'm sober.
Is there any way you can check to see if I have a warrant out in Alabama?
I knew it was gonna be a rough night when the guys next to us at Relay for Life started shot gunning beers and yelling "This ones for all the hot chicks that went bald because of cancer". It kinda went downhill from there....
I feel like I'm full of double a batteries and cocaine.
Doing Jager Bombs on a Sunday morning is justified...How else is my team going to win?
She got the hiccups while deep throating me. It was epic. Once in a lifetime experience.
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
I don't go out. I live in my room watching Bridget Jones and thanking my vibrator for existing.
You just accidentally called me. You kept saying "Really?! Really?!!" So I can only assume you are having sub par sex
Man, coughing on your period is like the biggest gamble a girl can make.
I did it again.
I drunk texted John McCain.
I don't know why, but whenever I shave my balls I feel more aerodynamic.
Randomize
