About to do something stupid. You'll be my call. Bring bail money.
Instead of having sex, we spent the entire night making pillow forts and have sword fights. I think I'm in love
I went for the touchdown every play, and I think I ended up with herpes.
so I made out with a lobbyist last night. im officially a resident of D.C
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
I might be a bit. I accidently started hot boxing the bathroom. I'm just gonna go with it.
Complete silence. Background Willy Wonka music. An empty back of Lay's BBQ chips. These are the ingredients for an extreme acid trip.
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
You thought your socks were broken. They were just inside out.
She said our goal is to fuck in every bathroom at the reception which is at a country club. I will have the best wedding date ever! Were 4 for 4 in public.
wow thanks for pushing me towards an older man
you gotta start somewhere if you're going to be a trophy wife
All I remember is laying in that secret hideaway closet, naked, with a beer cowboy hat on and you walking in and sitting down crying because no one would have sex with you
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
it's like i'm making a family tree of tunnel buddies for my vagina
Don't be the guy that has his dick out at work.
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