Why does Jon Cryer have a career?
That is a good question.
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
Your like the Mozart of blow jobs, you make every other girl seem like cheesy elevator music.
why oh why did i suck thise tits. nothing but trouble fuuuuuu
The last good decent convo we has was when I was trying to convince you to let me watch you pee.
Nah its cool some of my cousins have fucked the same girls and brought them on family vacations and everything.
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
I pulled out moves I did not even know I possessed, our fucking de-throned gods
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
I should stop using "Braveheart would do it" as a basis for decision making...
I was trying to decide if i was still high whenever i realized i was pressing the buttons on the microwave cause i liked the sound.
Took my nervous poop earlier then expected it's gonna be a good day
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