I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
We found an eightball on the ground last night. I mean, really, who does that?
Just come over and take your pants off. 35 mins tops. You'll be home before midnight cinderella
I thought we agreed, no more super glueing action figures to my dick
I know. You don't know poor life choice until your sitting on the floor of a community bathroom waiting to vomit at 4 am
He fingered me and now wants me to go get plan b because of it. WE'RE IN COLLEGE.
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
i knew it was love when she pulled a beer out from between her boobs and offered it to me
All I want to do is shower, but there is a keg in there.
You know you threw a brownie at my head last night. And said you did it to defend the turtles honer....
Can I just lay in bed and you pour vodka through a funnel in my mouth?
If a treadmill opens up I'll run next to him and then fall off so he has to give me mouth to mouth
I shouldn't have to tell you to stop throwing knives at me.
I'm naked, eating straight Nutella, and listening to "Make you feel my love" on repeat. So no. He didn't ask me out.
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
Randomize
