I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
All I know is I had a penis in one hand a bottle of wine in the other
My niece just called my sister in law a teabagger. I love NPR and it's corrupting influence on small children
high as fuck. watching parent trap with my mom. keep missing my mouth.
Stayed out til 7 am.... Did u know there's a guy who goes up and down the quad at that hour playing bagpipes?
This guy randomly got in our taxi, and has now collapsed on the sofa anouncing that he's staying the night.
He doesn't care. He wouldn't care if my vag grew arms and smacked him in the face.
The last time I went to Vegas and the sun started to rise, my copilot went home with her nipples pierced.
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
You called me into the kitchen so you could show me that you were peeing in the kitchen sink and then told me to leave bc you couldn't do it with me watching
I found where he bartends and I guarantee you that in approximately nine months from this Friday, you will have a niece
This bird just went for my eyes. Does he think I'm dead???
I need to just embrace dildos and cats and call it a life.
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
If a guy makes a dick joke within 24 hrs of matching am I just setting myself up for disaster if I say yes to a date lol
Randomize
