mmmm my 21st bday fucking sucks all my best friends are pregnant...selfish assholes. they just couldnt wait til after my bday.
I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
I got "discovered a new religion high" last night
Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
and this is why we should make december sharting awareness month.
Bob the builder, bob the uilder bob the builder bbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbjbbbbbiotch!pp!!!!
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
OH BABY IM HERE AND IN A BLANKET FORT
COME TO THE BLANKET FORT
Stop saying "make it happen". I'm not gonna say "hey, you should get naked with your sister and roll around together while I penetrate you both"
Yes. Do not say that. That will not make it happen.
Still. Make it happen
Our DD will meet us there. The strippers are sending a limo to pick him up. He promised them New Years Eve massages. Said he would still drive us home.
...and that's why girls with IBS don't paint their nails
If anybody had to puke on my shoes, I'm glad it was you.
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
Today's goals: get day drunk then sober up in time for the walking dead tonight.
Randomize
