I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
erin looks like she hung out with the sham wow guy last night. she's got the beat up hooker look goin' on
a guy in a toll booth on I-90 told me to fuck off for not being a red sox fan. i am going to miss massachusetts very much.
Either allow it in a formal toast or i will drunkenly tell your in-laws while i'm dancing on their table. either way, the truth is coming out
It was as if you forgot how to speak normally. All of your words came out either backwards or in song form
i'm way too high for it to be safe that i just discovered i have a fire extinguisher
Yeah, clearly. And then we can float around my room on Christmas themed inner tubes. And drink, I guess.
I wonder what it's like for my roommate to live bicuriously thro my sex life
the cops were hovering over him then shinned a flashlight to the floor above ours, then I realized that some fucker jumped from the third story.
fuck our hall.
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
I told her I didn't have a condom. She then sized me with her thumb and finger and tossed me a large. Then I asked her to marry me.
Aaand now my client contact has seen your boobs.
Don't have sex in a tent there are so many opportunities for infections
I saw an episode of cops that had one of my ex husbands on it.
Randomize
