They were like stripper heels, except business stripper heels, the kind strippers would wear to court.
She's like the little sister I never had ... except for the fact we're having sex.
He asked me why my bellybutton was so ugly... and wondered why i wasnt in the mood anymore.
Looks like a significant portion of my drinking money just became legal fees.
I woke up next to him fully clothed but my thong was around his neck. Polling to decide if we had sex or not starts now.
Omg it was awesome. At one point she says "cum in me, I'm too old to get pregnant".
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
Last night you made me help you pick the raisins out of a kashi bar and acted like it was the most important thing to ever happen to you or our friendship
No like he has curves. I remember thinking he had a nicer body than me
Remember Christopher who always sends me pictures of his penis? Look to your right, boy in the blue.
conclusion from last night: i should wear boob glitter more often
I just tried to pass the bowl to my dog for 2 minutes before I remembered she isn't human. It is 7:27 am.
They should make eskimo sister bracelets. OMG WE NEED BRACELETS WITH IGLOOS ON THEM.
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
You were yelling at them from the passenger seat saying you wanted your chicken for free because they couldn't prove it was from kentucky
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