Well I say she's a whore. All four of her kids have different last names.
BUT, one is Johnson and the other is Johnston. She gets some credit for that
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
It's not really that big. Girls just think it feels big. It's a cocktical illusion.
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
You just jumped of the couch and yelled "hidden tiger crouching dragon!" That's the answer to how you broke your finger.
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
Yes I did. Thanks. I was actually an hour and half early. I'm better at public transport than I thought. Guy behind me on the bus is also crying. We compared cry-snot. It was nice in a weird sad way.
To drink from my fkask next to a cop car or to not drink from my flask next to a cop car
She was totally amazed that i had the pizza delivery timed to coincide with our nooner and that the delivery boy knew where the broom closet on the 3rd floor was.
he brings me coffee and gets a blow job. not sure if I trained him or he trained me or it's simply mutually beneficial beautiful.
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
I swear I have some evil slut demon in me when I'm blacked out
Don't we all.
He was about to go in...and he fell off the bed. Ruined mood!
Randomize
