Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
Went to mcdonalds... Wishing I could throw up the last 20 hours of my life.
it looked like a condom graveyard when i woke up. they were everywhere
judging from the lines on my body they wheeled me back in a shopping cart
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
I heard about the break up and if you need a place to stay my vagina is open for you 24/7
I was afraid that she would smell her boyfriend's penis on my breath while we were talking.
He looks like he got hit by a weed-eater with chlamydia
We fucked to showtunes. Never going out with a theatre major ever again.
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
I should be a dude... Walking a goat on a rope is a total chick magnet.
She's on her period. You don't know what fear is.
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
Just found out I made out with the 40 year old Captain of the boat at the barge party. On the bright side he let me drive the boat so at least there's that.
I'm experimenting with sincerity
Randomize
