the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
Look on the bright side, you can mark 'beastiality' off your bucket list
Do you have any idea how hard it is to cum to Chingy?!
Drinking with birthday clown in the backyard shed at a 5 year olds birthday party at 12 in the afternoon. My life doesn't need any adjustments
I waited so long to accept his friend request that he canceled it. So I added him and when he accepted I deleted him. I wonder how long this will be funny to me
Second wave of rafting ended in a concussion. Don't worry though, the paramedic says it's still not considered a DUI.
You should offer shots at parent teacher conferences..I bet more ppl come
and you stopped teaching...why?
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
THERE IS A WINE CUBE IN MY ASS THIS IS NOT GOING AS PLANNED
For context, I was hiding under the pong table mooing at everyone by that point.
So do you want to be the old guy picking up a girl in a mini skirt who may be slightly buzzed before noon from college, or shall i walk over?
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
Guy fieri is speaking only to me. We make eye contact. My whole body is vibrating. My head is purring. I am literally marbles.
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize
