I want to snug with you.
You want my snuggie?
How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
You never did explain why you were in wal-mart with a wok full of popcorn.
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
He returned my car yesterday. Found a duffel bag with beef jerky, condoms, and a handgun this morning. Slightly concerned
Obviously you've never slept with someone who was deliverance level inbred.
I might volunteer to give breath samples on the 17th where I would be required to get drunk and then give samples! THE POLICE WOULD PAY ME AND PROVIDE THE ALCOHOL!
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
Also that boy who jizzed in me wearing Cowboy boots and a plaid shirt snapped me at 4 am and said "I owe you a dinner. Sorry"
I need to get some goddam control over my hormones
I found condoms in the back yard from you and your boyfriend. My house isnt a motel
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
when part of the plan includes getting high, i usually forget how the rest of the plan goes.
Randomize
