Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
First day at work... I clogged up the office toilet on purpose to assert my dominance.
I'm just trying to jam my tits into some coconuts and I'll be on my way
I want a bunch of melted cheese. or a penis. or a penis covered in melted cheese
That ACT prep teacher knew i was hung. I could see it in her eyes.
I think the closest to heaven you can get in this world is your morning dump after a night of Molly
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
There was another blizzard last night and at one point I was drinking 3 beers at once. Driving home didn't seem like a wise option
I told her I was dressed as a gag reflex judge.....she won, literally hands down.
So, just saw a lady hysterically sobbing in a Walmart at 3 AM. Someone's not having a happy mother's day.
I told people at my moms bar that all I needed to sober up was to get my asshole licked, and I blame you 110%.
Why do I like him? He literally has no redeeming qualities.
I can't believe just smoked out of a pear
I can't believe you had a pear already made to smoke out of, that was impressive
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
Randomize