I just saw the girl you left with - Chris Hansen's looking for you
fucking a dude
i mean: fucking a, dude
wow, that comma made all the difference there
she had the hairiest bush ive ever seen. it looked like a spoiled head of lettuce.
it went kinda like vodka, childhood memories, screaming/cursing, fist fight, tears, broken shit, passing out. in that order. tis the season.
Ya! She had a north face on tho so she was a classy hooker.
They're donating plasma together for extra money. Couple of the fucking century.
She begged me for sex again. I felt like I was telling a homeless person I didn't have any change.
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
Wow way to turn my death into an oppurtunity to get laid
It made me think of you cause he just screamed "CAPTAIN PLANET" a lot and kicked people in the balls.
I told him to pick up the beer can he threw in front of the police station. So he gets out chugs whatever's left and throws it back and says ok let's go.
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
Just escaped from the ER. Meet me at the bar in 20 minutes.
as a guy is it bad that even my mom called me easy?
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