I thouht it was time to go to sleep and suddenly I was front row on brokeback mountain
Just ate cheeseit crumbs off the floor. i feel like Kirstie Alley.
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
I have 11 glasses of water and one beer on the table infront of me. Have to keep going to different bartends to get more. There are only two though and I think they've caught on
You want to move to a city because of their promotional beer pricing
So?
This is why you shouldn't make decisions
I just put up a picture on my dorm room wall of that ginger you hooked up with to remind myself that everyone makes mistakes
Also, we should really buy some bandaids. Right now I'm using toilet paper and scotch tape, but I don't really think that's sanitary.
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
There is is 40 year old penis staring me in the face right now if there was ever a time to be a good friend its right now.
he yelled at me like a drill sergeant while I quickly tried to take off my pants
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
I really prefer to do my walks of shame in the summer
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
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