he told me I talked like a deaf person
whoever says they hate hangovers just doesnt know how to embrace them. i'm eating a mashed potato sandwich and watching grind.
my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
we were on a sandy mattress. i was wearing a sweatshirt with a poodle on it and eating a whopper jr. i wouldn't have fucked me either.
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
There is a pube in my fucking eyeball
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
I know you all think its cute to drop me off in a different state when I black out, but I can't wake up in family campgrounds asking where I am. These parents are scared.
I wore heels to a golf store in hopes of getting laid. I've hit a new all time low.
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
Apparently swingers are magnetically drawn to me?
uh...sober saturday NEVER has a good ring to it.
Im looking at the faintest of claw marks right now. I just fell in love all over again.
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