my elementary bus driver served me drinks last night. He hooked me up
Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
just got in my apt...and theres jungle juice here i left from over a month ago..this could be interesting...or deadly
I dont think that yelling at the medic "Christmas is gone, fuck off santa" was the best idea when you couldnt feel your legs.
Bud light lime after 12 shots of vladdy is like frolickin in a meadow of sweet flavor
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
He fell on top of me at a party. I slept with him a week later. We've been fucking for 2 moths. Most successful relationship ever.
ERIN AND I ARE GETTING MATCHING VIBRATORS. I'M PEER PRESSURING YOU INTO JOINING THE CLUB. Besides we're the three best friends that anyone could have, you better not ruin that by being a pussy and not treating your pussy to awesomeness. That is all.
NEW HOUSE RULE! If you make it in a chicks cleavage it's 3 cups and bra off.
BP at your house from now on.
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
So my POF profile is full of Archer references. Only guys who get them will be getting any response to their messages.
Nothing says happy Monday quite like coffee and oral sex.
it's not rock bottom until you fall down an escalator on the way home from a hookup and have to have you dad come pick your drunkass up at 3am. Adulthood.
He asked me how many starwars references he could make before i no longer find him attractive.
Randomize
