To answer your question of whether I "went back," tits just informed me I was kicked out for falling off my barstool and passing out on the floor...
If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
he told me my hair look so beautiful and as he was stroking it his fingers got caught in my BUMPIT. How are you supposed to explain that one?
I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
He just said he wasn't going to drink on Saturday because he was drinking on Thursday and Friday...we need new friends.
tonight i'm going for the "i fuck with the lights on" look
You know when you blow me it's the softest, most amazing feeling ever. Like putting my dick in a silk bag filled with puppy ears.
Dude, those shrooms u gave me made me remember writing the bible. Fuckn awesome
It's gonna be ok. As we grow older we sometimes lose sight of what's important to us. Like safe sex. And standards.
My entire grocery store purchase consisted of Little Debbie snacks and Budweiser
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
Why are you drunk at the library?
Why not?
We havent had power for three days. What else is there to do besides drink and fuck? I thought that was obvious.
So I have a horrible yeast infection right now and I learned that Scott is cheating on me and now he has a yeast infection in his mouth and in his stomach a pretty aggressive one too. I believe the doctors call it thrush. Text me in the morning tell me what you think.
Randomize
