It took him longer to undo my bra than he lasted..
My roommate just did the walk of shame in last nights corset back to our room to find her dad there. THATS why i go to school out of state.
i think beer pong is the only time ive ever found a use for geometry
Well he asked to have a sober hang out so i guess that constitutes as a date in college
and then they started calling me 'Shitshow Shandra', which apparently i took as a compliment.
Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
yeah, its right past the deli mart where i showed my right tit for mozzarella sticks.
She broke up with him yesterday after she cheated on him. He's going a bachelor party next weekend. How has Homeland Security not raised the threat level?
We are sitting here staring into each others eyes, mutually rubbing forks up and down our respective noses. High as balls doesn't even begin to cover it.
My boobs are feeling quite sensitive so I told them, " you is smart, you is kind, you is important" that should do the trick.
I cut myself stripping on your car. Probably a profession I shouldn't pursue
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
My brother is chasing tequila with vodka. Not sure how it will turn out, but I like his style.
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
Randomize
