She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
He was legit dry humping me to the sportscenter theme song, awkward i think SO.
Do you think most people who work at an airport Chili's can pin point where their lives went wrong?
Thats why you always identify the subtext of a blowjob before you accept it.
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
Also I owe you 20 bucks, a clean towel and a glass of scotch. I'll even throw in a blow job
Is selling savings bonds for acid money something a normal person does?
Yes, he does have a boomerang dick. No matter how many times I throw it away, it keeps coming right back and winds up hitting me in the head.
Mimosa dick, like his cousin Whiskey dick, is just as ineffective but a lot more fun to be around
Can I come by? I want you to meet my squirrel
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
In my defense I didn't know there was concrete on the other side of that fence when I tossed him over it.
You're both fucking idiots and this is why I should never let you two drink alone.
Sorry, I didn't know he was with you. The ongoing collapse of Trump has me horny as hell.
You're going to love the baby's room.
I doubt it. I can't have sex there anymore. That severely limits the appeal of the room to me.
I am afraid of asking him for his new number so I continue to text the one that's no longer in service.
Randomize
