I dont understand how a fully grown man could convince himself that lime green crocks would look good on him.
I wouldn't call it sex. It's like when you put a plug in a socket half way. It's not all the way in but it still turns on the light.
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
This flask doesn't match my outfit. I hope the gays don't mind.
Thank god i puked near the cancer center. makes me look like a chemo patient
I sleep with the gay men, they no longer have questions about their sexuality. No strings attached at it's finest and i get new shopping buddies out if it. It really is a win win situation.
You are my idol.
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
We were sitting outside of the building and he literally just walked up with no pants on. This is the best college ever
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
I'm trying to get laid this Halloween, not inspire the next season of AHS
The last time I saw her someone was carrying her on a bike and she was yelling that she was E.T.
While we were doing it he looked up at me and said "Does your husband fuck you this good?" Talk about a mood killer....
That's good to know, because I will be doing terrible things to you. Terrible things, John, wicked, evil, maniacal things shall happen to you and I will have the audacity to call it sex
STILL COMPLETELY OKAY WITH THIS
last night is slowly putting itself back together. Its one giant slutty puzzle, all the pieces are covered in tequila and shame.
The guy at the liqiour store just said "Wow haven't seen you in awhile, is everything okay?"
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