So i'm in mason getting an ultrasound.. and there are a bunch of hicks in here with their wild ass children and this one young mom yells at her kid "harley sit!"
You should introduce yourself as garth. As in garth brooks.
is it true guys wash their penises in the sink if they think they're getting laid at a bar?
it's more of a rinse.
I just rolled a spliff on a dora the explorer tv tray. Preschool education meet afterschool special.
I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
I miss waking up knowing you're passed out under my bed.
I had a dream where I was about to fight you but you were dressed like a greek god and had just killed a werewolf with your bare hands
You have to start asking people if they're gay before you kiss them..
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
I went from looking for a bong to home decor in a 10 minute span. This is what being an adult is all about!
I could tell you were slightly drunk by the time you started having a conversation with my tiki torch
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
there must be tiny pirates in the freezer stealing our rum.
Never. No amount of alcohol could convince my brain and eye sight that it is okay to fuck him. I'd rather fuck my cousin.
Randomize
