he asked me what things i liked that he did in bed, and i told him all the things i hated so he would use it on that new bitch and she wouldnt hook up with him anymore.
you for real need to get over him dude
i say over christmas we have a beer pong competition with the cousins and see who really has the best genes in the family.
So Easter dinner for me was at 4:40 this morning where i made Bagel Bites and had a glass of Chardonnay
Hungover Fun Fact #4: Eating a grilled stuffed burrito WILL make you blow chunks in the ice maker at work.
i was told that i was found face down in a plate of ketchup at the dinner table
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
Dude, someone broke the toilet seat in two, the is a pair of panties on the kitchen counter, and the entire house smells like a brewery
I just want to see him this morning so I can bask in my wasted accomplishment.
Drunk texting with my high school teacher. This hurricane is bringing out the best in everyone!
Stop talking and go back to bed. You're in the kitchen in your underwear and slept in your car.
Do you remember coming over and asking for toast and then singing that yeah toast song very loudly while you were dropping my bread all over my kitchen?
Of fucking course I get my period on Valentine's Day...
He's eating a sriracha ravioli sandwich. How do you think the night is going?
I hooked up with the sexiest couple in the LAX BATHROOM IN THE CHANGING FAMILY ROOM HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAA
I got up and left his place at 3am because I remembered I had a burrito in my car.
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