so now that im really awake i see that my underwear are completely ripped down the side, my shorts are on backwards, i have to go get plan b....i call last night an epic fail or success depending on how catholic i am feeling
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other girl is like awkward elevator music
did i get hit in the head with a hammer? someone just asked me...
Hey, you guys have all had chicken pox, right?
I'm sick of being the only unemployed member of the group. Doing things alone isn't partying. Its sad.
She's the one that asked you what my favorite color was & handed you a piece of bacon
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
I'm considering having a threesome with my friend just so I can sleep with his boyfriend and not feel guilty about it.
I was so high last night I honestly think my tears were medicinal
Chasing shots with airborne.. Gonna get rid of my sickness and my soberness.
Now I am free. And I want to go meet men. My phone deleted all my contacts, and I consider this to be a new beginning. With a new man in my phone book.
Randomize
