Please, let me fuck your mom
One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
i may or may not have just grinded on your dog thinking it was my boyfriend
he pulled a hernia and i had to get the morning after pill. you tell me how our valentines day went.
it's already thursday and i haven't gotten drunk yet...something's not right.
Heb just said, and I quote, "let's go to Who's On Third and fuck a fishbowl with our mouths. I am going to fuck this van." and then he humped a van.
I really shouldn't be this use to hearing "YOURE THAT GIRL?!?!"
The bottle of Wild Turkey is empty and there is a pile of wet cement in the garage. What happened?
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
I'm on the Coaster ride of shame, currently sitting across two nice old ladies smelling like condoms.
Humming the Indiana Jones theme song as my hand makes its way to his dick.
the woman that waxes my lady parts just hugged me...
were you wearing pants?
no.
When he pulled out it sounded like a balloon deflating
Your friend was nice but you didn't have to bang her in my kitchen...just sayin.
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
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