Going to bed naked. Too bad I am all alone. Need to make some changes. Either sleep with clothes or with you
You know whats sad? As I walk past the campus daycare i cant help think, look at those drunk mistakes
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
i'm not a hellocoptur, but youer in a dorm ans im un a dorm
I mean it's my life so what if i want to drink Molson from my sparkly shoes and not regret anything
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
New discovery: your vibrator works on my balls. Technology is wonderful I love the future
Would I be crazy if I drove 1,000 miles for some dick? What mile does it become ridiculous?
You just get me
I'm the wind beneath your wings, bitch
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
I'm on the Coaster ride of shame, currently sitting across two nice old ladies smelling like condoms.
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
So now I'm just going to brush my teeth, get high, and go to sleep. Like an adult
Randomize
