I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
It was kinda bitchy last night when i brought up my pregnancy scare and you said "shotty playing with it"
ASIANS HAVE SEX TOO!! I just watched it happen in the library.
i leave for school in 3 days. if you want your annual goodbye blow job you should probably call me
I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
You said you didn't want to drink anymore so you started shooting vodka down the back of your throat using a syringe. Oh, and then you aimed it at my eye ball...vodka in the eye hurts btw.
my vagina can't take this anxiety. there is no way he is 19 and this smooth. he's lying about his age or he's a goddamn sexual prodigy
Xanax and an ambien. And wine. I'm just waiting for mouth to mouth from some hot EMT. Sort of like the slutty girls version of sleeping beauty
I just told the sun to stop. That hungover.
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
Ok. As long as I can keep Kevin contained to the room I'll be ok. If not u might have a naked puking Kevin at ur door
Somehow his homemade liquor activated memories of my semester abroad three years ago. I ended up yelling random medical advice in German, while my roommates played dress-up with the cat stoned out of their minds. I consequently gave up on dating. Back in the ONS game.
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
I have booze and I wanna give you a bj. How can you be mad at me?
Randomize
