i effin hate jeff goldbloom.
but i totally would still bang him
we got a new version of the plan b at the pharmacy now. its called next choice. you would think they would come up with better names for these things.
I'm gonna get drunk and through up on the first happy couple I see.
I saw Winona at my church today. She has boobs, now.
Miracles do happen.
The best was having to tell my 16y/o cuz and her bf that we could see him fingering her in the inner tube. Lucky for them, I'm the cool cousin... and was river-level fuckedup.
Beach body diet is off. Pizza hut worked its way back onto my google chrome top 8
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
She has a lazy eye!
My other option is a hardwood floor
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
Oddly enough, the sex change dream i had made me miss you more.
And you said I'm not athletic, I rubbed one out with my sports band on, it's the same as walking 1/4 mile.
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
I took a picture of you last night while you were drunk, trying to smoke a bowl through your nose. It's now your contact id.
I just had to explain my bite marks to my allergy doctor when she gave me my shots...You're the best <3
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