Shaq going to Cleveland; Vince Carter to the Magic; Michael Jackson, Farrah Fawcett, and Ed McMahon die.... ARMAGEDDON IS UPON US!!!!!
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
A. What the fuck are period panties? B. Don't ever wear them around me... or bears.
She played chubby bunny with our cocks.. She got 4
I think I've officially made out with the entire starbucks staff.
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
ATTENTION PENIS' OF BURLINGTON: I AM COMING FOR YOU
DO NOT SLAP ANYONE WITH ANY VEGAN MEAT PATTIES
Hot date tonight for the first time in months and I just cut my dick shaving. PRAY FOR ME.
We were in a bathroom while 4 dudes compared dick piercings.
Buffalowww
I was so high I could TASTE the fillings in my teeth
She's not allowed to do acid anymore... she started crying because she thought she was an eagle.
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
Randomize
