Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
Im watching hello kitty on qvc debating if its a good idea to cook bagel bites on my space heater
heey were did you guys go? last time i remember seeing you i was throwing up in the fountain
No, i went to get it done but the guy couldnt find it. exhibit A of why i wanted a clit piercing in the first place.
I think being an adult is being able to say no to free shots...I need to work on that.
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
My gynecologist got a full view of the obviously bite marked shaped bruises on my thighs. I just kept talking about work and hoped she wouldn't judge me.
Well he was saying something about being emotionally unavailable since his dad died, but then I blew him in a tree and he shut up
I was just tryna bring you beer girl. I should've known you'd be shirtless though
I don't know how that blunt survived being in your pocket all night but you pulled it out at 4 am in 7/11 and tried to fire it up. Zero fucks given
Almost stopped showering halfway through to go get food
Hey, I'm 22. I'm allowed to have a sex life and you're going to hear about it.
Bro you were on fire last night...like a less Irish version of Liam Neeson
She complained to dominos last night for hanging up on her, and then she wrote "fuck you dominos" on the receipt when we got our pizza
So we are banned from the campus dominos
The gift for sixth anniversary is steel. He bought me handcuffs. Inee I married the right man!
Randomize