moving back to school this early was a terrible idea we already used up our bail fund
then he asked me if i wanted to "handle his wingman"
and now there are teeth marks on my dick.
I just want to have weird supply closet sex with him... and then I'll be all set. Fired, but all set.
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
Fell asleep with Kristen and woke up with Sarah. It's official, vacation has begun.
I think we need to stage an Intervention. Her Instagram is a call for help.
And besides a nice relationship, I just really want to get laid damnit
That seems dangerous to buy acid from a stranger on craigslist
NOT ALL OF US HAVE THE HANDS OF GODDAMN ANGELS YOU KNOW
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
Me and dad were just reflecting on that time he found a gas mask bong in the backyard.
It's bullshittery. It's asshattery. It's complete fuckery at its finest.
Randomize
