its official now. im not pissing on secret service cars with a senators inside anymore.
he's wearing our apron and eating a pb and oreo sandwich. and calling the oreos "topless" since he took their tops off...
I HOPE YOURE READY TO KICK SOME SERIOUS ASS AT TRIVIA NIGHT TOMORROW NIGHT. also, i hope the birth of your niece goes well. BUT MOSTLY TRIVIA NIGHT.
I wonder what it's like for my roommate to live bicuriously thro my sex life
We were in the hot tub...he ate the pizza pocket directly out of my mouth
Just got convinced to trip sit for a pack of cigarettes and a burrito. Let the games begin
He is currently tell his hat to go free. Like he has it sitting on the table just waiting for it to take off. When he's not looking I'm gonna throw it off the balcony and tell him it's flying
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
This is a whole new generation of premature ejaculators
everything in the house taste like gin even the water, friday nite was a success
You invented a drink at the bar and named it Boner Soup. It was like an even trashier version of a long island iced tea
I just ate cream cheese straight for my dog
I'm afraid to ask what that means
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
Jello shots? I thought you weren't drinking tonight.
Im not drinking im slurping
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