I'm drive I can fine osifer
either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
Don't judge me. Haven't eaten all day so I'm in my room sticking my finger in peanut butter, then jam, then my mouth.
Is there a law against that?
Nope not at all. Just morals. But fuck it, this is college, not real life.
I think I just ate eggs off of a plate covered in cocaine.
I need to have sex. It's becoming like a matter of public safety.
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
I told him he was like my favorite pair of jeans; I may not wear them every day, but I'll never get rid of them and they make my ass look fantastic. Needless to say he was not thrilled.
Your ability to eat ass like its your job and yet turn down quinoa because it's "gross" is confusing.
Just don't let me do two things: Beer bongs filled with vodka or shot competitions
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
Damn. Looks like nobody I know is doing anything interesting. Guess it's another slut-it-up-with-strangers sort of night.
Do you know how hard it is to have sex on an air matress while there are people sleeping in the same room?!?!?
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
Randomize
