Houston.. we have a drinking problem..
I felt like Norm from Cheers walking into the free clinic.
a queef is a wish your heart makes.
Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
morning after pill = breakfast in bed
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
Some days you just pee in a stairwell and go home.
He asked me for a pic so I sent him a pic of my boyfriends dick.
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
Waking up drunk is great, waking up drunk and hanging with your mom is even better.
DONT YOU DARE YELL AT ME. YOU'RE THE ONE WHO TRIED TO PAY FOR THE CAB WITH YOUR PANERA REWARDS CARD.
Yep, you're going to hell.
I take on this great possibility with a beer in one hand and the girl I'm gonna fuck later in the other
His relationship is over as soon as he sees my boobs. I’m going to titty fuck my way into his heart
...i have a beer in one hand, and a chicken wing in the same. typical tuesday, right?
If there's someone that knows accidental pantlessness, it's Mike.
Randomize
