i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
I was to drunk to walk in jimmy john's so I called and got a pickle delivered to me outside the bar , too much?
The entire time I'm blowing him she's in the back seat lecturing me on the reasons why you're not suppose to do that while they're driving...
Last night we looked at each other with an expression of "fuck I am so done being normal", took off our shirts, and danced around in our bras
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
Yup. We're now banned from TWO of our nation's finest zoos.
Just made a jeopardy bj game. Every question has 10-50 seconds on it and if he's right that's how many he gets.
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
The parents I babysit for are at this orgy. I need to leave.
HE BEAT A GUY WITH NOTHING BUT RAZZLE DAZZLE AND HIS FABULOUSNESS
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
I may not have my dignity, pride or sanity but I have my pants.
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
I use my feet as sexual weapons
Randomize
