just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them
I have so many mobile devices now, I only use my laptop for porn.
It's like the water temple from zelda. but with more tits.
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
I drove to Chevron at noon and the Hatian lady goes "Oh, nothing to drink yet white boy?"
I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
HE COULDN'T FIND IT! WHAT KIND OF QUARTERBACK CAN'T FIND IT?!
i don't know how it's possible. but i just bought groceries for a week with the money i made off returning empties
Well it was 11am and we were walking to the market with red cups in our hands yelling NO JUDGEMENT at every car that passed
Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
Our idea of a "deep conversation" was successfully forming complete sentences.
in the future when you find clothing in your street, just assume it's mine.
I ate you ate to the whole david gray album
According to the boxer briefs I found on the couch when I got home, I take it your date went well??
He was like, I wanna take it slow. I took off my bra And I was like, either we have sex now or you get out.
Randomize