it doesn't get any better than taco bell and soft core porn
my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
wait, do i give off the impression that i DON'T want girls to show me their boobs if i video chat with them?
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
Oh my god my life; so much cake and so little sex
Yeah but the gay hasidics turned out to actually just be real gay hasidics
Well I squeegeed the puke off your arm at the gas station
I feel like someone kicked me repeatedly in the ribs. I don't think sex is supposed to do that.
I bet it kind of sucks while you do community service I'm getting blown in the shower. haha
I think I won over his best friend. He was staring at my boobs all night.
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
Oh yea... In other news I've decided to get an external hard drive and start getting music from all the guys I'm fucking... Do you think a terabyte would be enough storage space?
If I was banging all the guys that people think I am, I'd quit buying batteries.
Apparently I had 2 bloody noses and after my sis put me to bed at the hotel, I escaped and my sister's friend found me in an elevator with some guy
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