guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
my lips still taste like vagina
so you liked breakfast?
ehh, still wish we woulda went to IHOP instead
He kept starring at my ass and repeating "Its Just a beautiful piece of artwork."
you ever get that eerie feeling when you walk in a room, when you know youve barfed here before.
Just smoked a bowl with the exterminator. I think my day is more productive.
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
It's ok for me to have his baby but I can't be his friend on fb. Wth is wrong with this
The last thing I remembered was laying in the bathtub fully clothed with the shower running while he was picking grilled cheese out of my hair. I couldn't figure out if i was more upset about being soaking wet or the fact that my grilled cheese was in my hair instead of my mouth.
please bring me a paper towel asap.
I was drinking wine in bed and spilt some on my chest.. And I cautiously guided it into my belly button but now I dont know what to do.
He never broke character while fucking me on the neighbor's lawn. I give him a 10 for his dedication to the British accent.
You slid down a wall, tried to pull your cast off and yelled that casts were too conformist.
Maybe I'm not hungover. Maybe I'm actually dying.
I think I got into an argument with my cat's former owner about what a BDSM relationship entails.
We walked 3 miles to the strip club. Stopped for roadies, it wasn't that bad.
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
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