hey, what are you doing tonight?
sleeping, g'night!
but i wanted to see you :(
sleeping! g'night!(801): i miss you!
stop - you have a right hand - use it!
dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
It would be worth it to see how drunk he is right now.
He cartwheeled into the side of the neighbor's garage.
Ok, i'm coming over
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
She put up a picture of her grandmother on facebook, looks like the lazy eye runs in the family
My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town
the bar just sent me a facebook message congratulating me on being a regular and getting such good grades. my life is not real.
All I know is she walked in crying with a bag of limes and a bottle of tequila and has been locked in her room blasting lil wayne ever since.
Second time this week margarita night turned homoerotic
Looks like I've become the Walter White of my PhD cohort.
You woke up, mumbled something about forgetting to lock the truck at work, slapped my ass, then passed out again...
There's mini weenies and empanadas everywhere...
Guess who just bought an ounce of pot via Paypal, and paid for it with my airline Visa card to earn miles?
Congratulations. That business degree is finally worth every penny it cost you.
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
Randomize
