im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
Gay walks of shame are so much more Amy Winehouse than straight girls
You'll be happy to know that I did indeed fracture my rib in a sex related injury
90 persent of me said don't pee on that fake plant. Buyt i did
How would u feel about transportimg a penis shaped ice luge to nashville?
It's just like riding a bike. Only it's a dude's face.
I'm stoned entirely off resin. Licking my blankets. Merry Christmas. Jesus died for our sins. Yay Jesus. I love you.
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
"I'm gonna wax that ass" was the successful pick up line used on me last night. Clearly I had a few too many cause it worked..
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
Just watched two people have sex in the pool. Hope you enjoy your yeast infection courtesy of the comfort inn.
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
"I'm 95% straight," he says. Cut to him on his knees...by far the most beautiful guy I've ever fucked.
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
Update: I just threw up in between cars in the parking lot of magic kingdom.
Randomize
