you dont know how to answer ppls txts anymore?!?
im sorry, i don't get text messages.
I have a love/hate relationship when men come within a 10 minute time frame.
So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...
Dont! You were just serving you country
She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
just walked past a girl in her cap and gown puking her brains out beside a tree. her friends were taking pictures of her.
Oh and I ate all of your Cinnamon Toast Crunch. Consider it part of your reparation payment for accidental anal insertion. I may continue to collect payments until I am no longer sore.
Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
she had a dildo shaped like a dolphin. she will forever be known as Flipper
I took out the emergency phone in the elevator and replaced it with a bottle of vodka. The game is simple, do a shot for the number of the floor you're going to. Best suggestion box tip ever.
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
I didn't want sex last night, but she charmed my dick out of my pants like a snake charmer.
Should probably stop going into the gas station to look for the most normal person to hitch a ride with to drive me to a party
My vagina is no longer accepting new clients.
So who left their underwear on a lamppost in my aunt's backyard
In my life time, I want nothing more than to get a blow job while watching Space Jam.
Randomize
