I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
Played "Which Couple Will Take Me Home Tonight" at the bar last night... I can now cross three-some off my bucket list
His rich uncle has six months to live. I feel pregnant.
if you had such a terrible roommate you would understand. jacking off in his conditioner is just the start.
I'm sorry for the texts and anything that I said that may have caused confusion, pain or irritation. I shall not be drinking again. Furthermore I will not be keeping a phone on me should I fail to adhere to the prior statement.
He picked up a chick with a line about the price of used cars in Sri Lanka and developing economies. Step it up.
I was mid hand job and stopped me because he wanted to "connect" which meant putting his thumb in between my eyebrows and a hand over my heart and closing our eyes...
So both cops helped talk her into coming back into the bar and doing a shot with me. The main argument being, "a bar is no place to be sober!"
She may be more beautiful than I am, but I bet she hasnt pissed in as many public places as me...
I am lonely and hungry. I need a girlfriend, but I'd settle for my mom.
Also I feel I should tell you last night when I came home I fell into my laundry hamper and woke up in a pile of my clothes
Nooo. I was entirely happy pretending that my vagina only existed for peeing and releasing Satan's waterfall.
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
You probably shouldn't do that...but if you do take pictures
Ya can’t just go throwing accusations around about someone pooping their pants without some hard evidence
Randomize
