Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
Honestly, your dog is in better hands with that homeless guy.
Don't worry we will all be making bad decisions soon
That's the most comforting thing I've heard in months
My parents called me out on catching us walking home from the bar in a swimming motion because "it was too windy to walk" home...
I don't even know man. I was to busy having beer showered on me and grabbing some balls
And I just want to be like your tongue is not a FUCKING sword
Yes ma'am.Im also looking at my collection of penis pictures in my email playing "who;s penis is that"?
Beer, water, beer, water, beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer so much beer
I mean, you've seen me eat pizza, sober, out of a garbage can, and yet I refuse to go eat at that place. Just sayin....
I think "we've never met sober" is a great relationship to have with someone
I've spent my afternoon dipping strawberries in DayQuil if that's any indication of where I'm at in life.
You can trust me. I'm unemployed and not wearing pants.
Dude I bought a 300 dollar buffalo painting. I'm no longer allowed to take shrooms.
Good god, my descendants are going to be fucked.
I had fresh baked oatmeal cookies, tacos AND was on deck to give a stellar blow job. You'd think that'd be a win/win/win situation.
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