my mom found all the used condoms in my bed side table
whatd she say to you?
no words- put them all in a circle, put the bible in the middle
Just saw a teacher from our school with his wife... Now i really know how little teachers get paid.
so it turns out that "condoms galore" does, indeed, come up on your bank statement
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
i told my boss i want to eat her tits. 90 percent sure i'm getting fired
YOU RECOMMENDED ME TO THIS GIRL BECAUSE SHES A STRIPPER AND YOU KNOW MY WEAKNESS FOR STRIPPERS WITH CHILDREN.
its the kind of pain that only someone with a fucking elephant on their head would understand. I'm never drinking again.
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
Ughhhh. Finnnneeeeee. I'll have sex with your brother. Sheesh. The things I do for you woman.
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
I guess, all I remember was giving you road head the whole way there so you wouldn't fall asleep.
I need to get a job that holds me accountable for something. Otherwise I wake upon Monday wondering when the booze store opens and if I still have a boyfriend.
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
Randomize
