I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
It's been over a month and I still can't find the bra I wore out on new years eve.
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
all you kept saying from the spare room was "can you bring me a puke bowl...and the cat"
she went to her friend's wedding and caught the bouquet. as the unwilling rebound, can i run away now?
Why are you seriouly talking to me about this when there naked pics of blake lively on the internet? Priorities man...
I'm fighting fire with fire. When my parents interrogate me about what I was doing last night, I tell them the truth. Every disgusting, awkward detail. I'm 23 now and they need to get used to it.
Trust me man, I did not put any cookies down your pants when you slept.
If my sophomore year were to be made into a novel, it would be titled "dances with salvia"
Hey start looking around for a low rider Subaru. Well get a loan. It will be capital for our first music video.
So a guy died and our dates revived him with CPR. Good night?
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
I HAVE A TEST I'M SORRY YOUR UN SUCKED DICK ISN'T MY FIRST CONCERN
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
Randomize
