The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
Yeah. I woke up naked in his bed this morning and remember saying "Get a condom cuz I can't afford an abortion right now" last night. He didn't run. He's a keeper
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
You put a thong on my pumpkin didn't you.
so i just drove past a racoon and a kid on a long board... god i love 4am white castle runs
i really wish someone from a royal background would fuck me so i could literally say i was 'royally fucked'.
apparently drunk me likes to play hide the puke.. was not a fun time washing all my legos.
So basically i got outta bed and started peeing on the a/c unit..when my roommate tried to stop me i looked at him and said "i got this"
as much as i want to say no i cant cause i need the trophy wife training
Can one of you do me a favor? Light a match and throw it into my room. Bc I'm certain I would rather be burned to death than live in this hell I call my life
I learned so much about myself in that shower.
6 pack came off in the shower. Sharpie is not forever.
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
Is it totally terrible that I just signed up for classes and already found the guy I'm going to bang??
So high, just applauded for a magic trick on Hulu.
Randomize
