my dad brought home flowers.. so i started talking to them
She had to put it in. I told her I was too drunk and didnt trust myself to not put it in her ass.
walking in back of a girl wearing booty shorts, a halter and a bracelet that says trainwreck. I don't get it. The first day of nice weather and all the whores come out, are they like hibernating bears or something?
i'm not the one sitting naked in my room playing with my boobs and a cat.
The difference between you and me last night was that I didn't remember getting into the cab and you didnt know we were in one.
It's one of the many facets of my drunken alter egos. I'm like substance abuse batman.
Medically YOU CAN'T BE AN ALCOHOLIC TILL 25!!!!! WE GET 3 BONUS YEARS!!!!
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
If your boss lets you sleep on his couch, you don't pay him back by boning his daughter.
Yo, go checkout Kerri's Instagram quick! There's like 12 pics of her fucking some guy in a bar's bathroom. GO GO GO GO!!!!
I've only fucked to 2 Fleetwood Mac songs, that must be why my life feels so empty.
we're so committed to being not committed
He totally just went there for sex cuz he slept in her roommates bed the rest of the night after they were done...
pure definition of booty call.
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
What you have to understand is that our lives aren't a disappointment so much as they crashed and burned with lethal doses of radiation and dog shit.
Randomize
