It has come to my attention that I should apologize for myself and my friends
as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
eww mummy girl is here...
what the fuckk. i just want to hold her down, wax her eyebrows, and give her some morals.
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
I found out why they kept calling her "CD". It was short for "Crab Dip". You're fucked.
He just showed me a video of his erect penis moving to the beet of the music when he was high, I think I'm in love.
IF I CAN STICK YOUR DICK IN MY MOUTH, I CAN STICK MY GUM ON YOUR NIGHTSTAND.
Ok how about tonight me and you get laid together. Same girl. Then she signs our dicks.
As weird as it sounds I would totally be down
But wait then while giving his drive thru order he goes in mid sentence, "Hey baby it's Travis remember me?"
HE JUST ALLUDED TO FUCKING MY FRESH LOAF OF BREAD
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
He took my necklace off while we were 69ing. His tongue never stopped moving either. Take that, guys who can't figure out how bras work.
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
It's not "nice." It's the supermodel of dicks.
I can't come. It's so cold my uterine walls have frozen together like a cherry popsicle.
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