So my roomate was sunbathing this morning on the porch with a sock covering his penis
Sounds like a really classy character....
He is classy. It was argyle.
You started a dance party so that you could steal their vodka and shouted "sailors out!"
If it's not soft enough to fuck on, then we're not getting the new rug.
He went 'unicorn hunting' and lost a fight with a fence. That's how he ended up in the ER.
Whatever. That's why I am to be babied like a calf. I regret nothing.
Didn't get carded at the bar. We're getting wasted and then walking over to Bass Pro Shops to watch the indoor ducks swim around. And possibly buying a tent.
My genitals don't want beer. They want to not feel like they wandered into a hornet's nest.
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
That's why god made go-pro's and tequila
Fyi - we're going to be eating those sandwiches in bed when you get home.
Ps he swallowed my earring last night so yeah
I mean, if you want to light yourself on fire for maximum accuracy, far be it from me to stop you
I feel like I shouldn't be left around 30 year olds when I'm drunk
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
Randomize
