I actually just cleaned easy glide lube off my desk. My life has gone way down hill since I met you.
You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
The duggars are the reason premarital sex is ok. Because if you don't have it until marriage you have no self control when it happens. And 19 kids.
i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
So he didn't pull out. And I like flipped out. And the he told me to chill and opened up a drawer full of packs of Plan B and handed me one.......
youre not allowed to be friends with girls ive double teamed. period.
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
Is it too early to start a donation jar for my 4th of july hospital bills?
Also I just took a shit at a bar so always remember that ANYTHING is possible.
Any chance you used one if the curtain rods in the fireplace room as a sword? One is missing
We had to take the hinges off the bathroom door. Needless to say, you are no longer welcome at that bar
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
Not only did I sleep with the guy but I think I may have called my work and quit to go work for him.
Randomize
