In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
Btw, I'm really high so I apologize if anything I say gets translated into arabic.
I love that we get drink and call each other crying. It's kind of our thing.
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
He managed to tell me he was blind in one eye and convince me to have sex with him in the same conversation. It's love.
The couple that wants to take me home just paid the bartender $100 to pour tequila down my throat. I think I'm in some type of twilight zone where stds run rampant and the alcohol floweth
I woke up on karas dogs bed. Lets evaluate our lives.
He pissed on a police station. Then expected to not be arrested. Sounds accurate.
Why is there a muffler in the livingroom?
First, I just want to say that I had nothing to do with it. Second, how good is your car insurance?
He said he didnt want to choke me, I said im sorry thats a deal breaker.
You now have the mental image of me flying off into the sunset with no pants
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
I just walked in on my dad beating it.. There's not a fucking therapist in ARKANSAS that can help me with that!
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
last night you made out with a 19 year old on a bar and i woke up with a swede in my bed. lets just say that never happened.
Randomize
