sorry i'm running a bit late. had to shave my brittney...was looking more like rapunzel. clearly i've been having a drought.
i was watching some porn this morning and i realized i am blessed with a truly beautiful vagina
The guy in the next stall screamed courtesy flush and then puked. Bless you Vegas
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
be proud. or at least amused. an 18 yr old and a 25 yr old at least makes my average hookup age this week the same as my age.
It's like a challenge who can be the biggest embarrassment to the family. I win 80% of the time.
I am too drunk to be out in this weather around all these animals.
He bought you footie pajamas. Shit's pretty serious.
The chances of me making out with someone next weekend are about the same as me not remembering it.
With great boredom comes great irresponsibility.
Please tell me you're not on their roof again..
You thought the flashing lights were strobe lights when they were loading you into the ambulance. You asked the EMT if he had any X.
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
This is the third time this month a guy I’m not dating has dumped me. How is this even possible???
Making friends with the guy who had alcohol-infused whipped cream was the best decision I made all night.
Not going to lie, when I looked in the tub I expected to see what might have been remnants of a squirrel.
Randomize
