i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
Nothing says "This dudes gotta go" better than a boner on your back waking you @ 5 in the morning
The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
He'd bedazzaled his ass. Im not even that gay...
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
well i just had my first "when i graduated college she was 12" morning
I thought i'd save money with No Heat November but the amount of whiskey i have to buy to stay warm is probably adding up to more than a heat bill.
This might sound awkward, but can I borrow a dildo for class?
Also. This Ativan makes me feel fearless. I think we need an exciting new hobby for when we take it. How do you feel about ghost hunting?
If he shows up in a "mount n dew" me shirt im throwing him to the lesbians
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
his basement wasnt heated so when i asked for a hoodie someone gave me a kimono.. i passed bc who the fuck knows where that shit has been recently
She made me a smoothie in the morning.. It was vodka and fruit.
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
Ok, as his sister I didn't tell you this but he's very familiar with pregnancy symptoms. So next time he calls you fat freak him the hell out by asking if your ankles look swollen.
Randomize
