I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
I can die happy now, I have been kicked out of strip clubs on six different continents
why is there a handicap sign in the bathtub and an exit sign in the kitchen?
lets deal with that after we figure out where i am
How do you say "I always respond to booty calls" when you give a guy your number?
he threw up all over himself while laying down.. it was like watching old faithful, but with noodles and vodka
It's alright she couldn't hear you. Her legs were over her ears
Just got back from fathers day breakfast. So hungover i couldn't eat so i just slipped my food in my pockets and threw it out while i puked in the bathroom.
I'm not entirely sure what we did is legal in the U.S., but I know that couple wont be the same
She gave such good road head it was turned into side-of-the-road head for everyone's safety
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
And it was in that moment when I realized that these high schoolers looked up to me and that I should set a good example. So I stole a casserole and left.
I just did a shot of Jameson and two shots of cuervo. Note: this is the moment things went down hill
They left around 10:00 this morning. I've been naked since 10:01.
I really need to get a comfy set of masturbating shoes
I am sweating Crown. It all went wrong when the ratio hit 50-50
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