Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
I took the chef home. His dick even tasted like garlic
My corndog is like a popsicle of bread. A WHOLE. POPSICLE. OF BREAD.
If I weren't her cousin I'd take advantage of her and this low point in her life.
Ahh you know it's going to be a long day when you mistake a beer for a sprite at 10:30 in the morning while babysitting
Just got that "I know what's going on with your vagina" look from that CVS cashier.
You bought MORE?!
They wont sell alcohol here on election day! HOW THE FUCK DO THEY EXPECT ME TO ENJOY THE ELECTION SOBER?
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
As much as I trust your struggle imma deal with being Eskimo brothers with my own sister before I get to that
I just wrote my resume on the same park bench I got felt up at in freshman year of highschool... I've truly come full circle
i almost threw up on his dick. its like icarus, flew too close to the sun. except the sun is his dick and my throat was icarus
Well, he kept asking me if I was going to murder him once we got upstairs. It sort of killed the mood.
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
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