he just watched a baby story on tlc while high and just called me screaming he never wants me to get pregnant
then he said we can't have sex anymore because ill hate him.
I climb out of my sunroof. I mean its kind of embarrassing but part of me feels awesome and ninja like.
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
So you had sex with my brother?
It sounds like you dont need me to answer that.
cheating on your boyfriend is the best diet ever, I've barely eaten in days. The guilt is killing me
I dont think he was a real cab driver. I think he was just a creepy guy with a van.
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
Need your help. He's locked himself in the bathroom with his bong and his childhood collection of Goosebumps books.
All I can remember is being told by a guy named Kyle to stay in the corner until the cops left. Then waking up on a porch outlined in beer cans 8 blocks from my house. Pregaming for college.
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
Just peed out a window, not entirely sure it's open. Can't tell. I'll find out in the morning.
i swear to god it was like we were fucking in 9 dimensions
I was so drunk last night dude. I woke up this morning to my oven being wide open and my pants on the kitchen floor.
Randomize
