The guy next to me is watching porn. EVERYTIME I COME TO THE LIBRARY SOME RANDOM GUY NEXT TO ME LOOKS AT PORN.
did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
I just deleted all the drug dealers from my phone, I guess this is growing up
Its against the rules to not make you aware of his virgin situation prior to penetration
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
Hooked up with an Aussie chick last night only an Indonesian chick away from completing my lap around the pacific rim
The cab driver thought we were passed out so he called a sexline...
WHITE RUSSIAN WEDNESDAY. TELL YOUR CO WORKERS. INVITE QND PREPARE
After the Jell-o shots and about 6 shots of lighter fluid brand tequila, it got to the point where breathing was painful. All I could do was pray I didn't fall asleep in the front yard.
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
There are many penises to be discovered and claimed tonight
We're like Lewis and Clark
All I'm sayin is that I don't want to raise anything. Or deal with anything. Or having anything come out of my vagina. I mean, I don't think that's asking too much.
Peeing in taco bell cups is part of the fun of going to taco bell
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
Randomize
