cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
So I just saw a commercial for tickle me Elmo furry gloves. And I thought hmm I bet I could jerk off with those. Is that a sign of deepseated charachter issues?
So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
I just did the classiest thing ever.
last time you said that you got chlamydia.
I'm on page 4.
Im on beer infinity
i think you're the only person in the world who masturbates to food network.
I really like you, but I want to get to know you on a time when I am not at drugs.
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
Operation "Inform her family she stars in a sadistic lesbian porn film" is in full effect. She picked the wrong guy to cheat on.
Hows your mom
Shes good, she claims she wasnt drunk
My bookbag can hold 30+ beers. They shoulda put that on the tag bc its a big selling point
I woke up with leftover chocolate syrup on my nipples. WTF happened last night??
I'm pretty sure he sprained my clit...
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